Grudges

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I can’t seem to shake this grudge I’m holding on to.

I assume it’s easy in rough times like these.

When you’re in a selfish state of mind and someone hurt your core.

It’s easy for me to hurt,

It’s easy for me to dislike.

Because I am hurt, I am not liking.

I’m wishing that I could shake the grudge, because I’m suppose to care for this person.  If only a little bit.

 

-Hang in there!

Her pain has ended

monkey

 

Mine seems to have only began …. Mama MB lost her fight against that bastard of a devil called Breast Cancer on Monday, November 26, 2012 at 6:10 pm.  My heart broke that night. Every moment since then a piece of it is ripped from my soul.  It feels like a constant fist wrapped around my heart, squeezing and pulling.

I’m hopeful it will shrivel up and stop aching soon.

It’s been since Thanksgiving that I’ve posted here. I hate coming in to report sadness and heart ache on my part. Posting things that just bum the page out. But it’s such a huge loss in this MB’s life.  One that isn’t taken lightly and won’t soon pass my heart.

But I’m doing my best…

-Hanging in there!

Woe is Me: Selfish Me

 

Last night was a rough night.

Hopes and wishes crushed…..

My grandma called me last night, while at the hair cut store

My aunt called me…

My aunt called again, still unsure what her screams and sobs were saying to me.

My uncle called me.

Time spent with Mama and Papa MB.

Mama MB looks like a skeleton in that dim lit room.

My heart breaks.

The family quarrels.

How did I get put into the middle of it?

Life isn’t fair.

I’m a selfish brat for wishing, with all of my heart, that she doesn’t pass on my birthday. That she’s here with me, one last time on one of her most favorite days of the year!

-Hang in there    ??? How?

There is always that one…

 

Good Monday and Happy Veterans Day for you veterans out there!

 

So as you know, I’m a mess of flooded emotions; fear, anger, stress. Not to mention the hormones raging from pregnancy! It’s understandable.

Mama MB had a good weekend, she was in and out of sleep. Still has pain, though it seems to just come and go when she has to be moved or move.   Being in bed all of  the time can’t help the situation any.

So over the weekend, with all of the family times.  We have a pretty large family and all weekend they were all in and out of Mama MB’s house.  For that I am glad.

Point of the post…

One of the family members mentioned Mama MB’s son.  One of them had spoken to him and advised him of the situation, asking if he would be coming down for a visit. He’s all the way in MA.  I don’t care for him. I don’t want him here. He’s caused Mama MB nothing but heart ache and pain since he’s came into our lives.

Now I’m in a spot where I want to ask the family not to speak to him, not to invite him to see her. That he isn’t welcome, because in my personal opinion.. He is NOT welcomed in our lives. I do not want him here to witness her sick times.

I’ve removed him from my life, completely and haven’t spoken to him in a long long time. I’d love to keep it that way.

I’ve told a few family members how I feel, but I’ve yet to muster the guts to bring it up to Papa MB.  only time will tell if I’m able to do so.

Besides I know the sorry POS “son” of hers isn’t going to show his face around here ever again.  One can hope anyway 😉

-Hang in there!

Is it crossing a line?

 

 

“There’s not much time left, sadly I don’t know that she will make it through the weekend”

The worst words you can ever hear someone say regarding the life of someone you love so dearly.

I don’t recall what I’ve told you dear Dingleberries lately about Mama MB and her health. They say it isn’t that good.   Things aren’t looking that great.

I feel like I’m either crying constantly or fighting back tears. I force myself to stop.

I can’t give up on her yet, not until her heart stops.

The point of the post… I’m seeking your opinions.

Yesterday a fellow co-worker said to me that he was scared his wife was going to get breast cancer, because she started smoking again. Smoking doesn’t always cause cancer.  But he adds that she has a lump and has refused to go have it checked…

Her mother also died in her early 50’s of cancer.

This woman has a 12 year old  from a previous marriage.

I cried all the way home because I fought within myself wanting to text him, my, co-worker, and beg him to remind his wife to go have it checked. Don’t walk!  RUN!

What would you do?  Do I cross the line and push to remind the importance of it.  Or do I mind my own business?  I don’t know how I will feel in the long run if I mind my business.

-Hang in there

Break down….

Forgive me again for going off on the depressing stuff… But I must get it off my chest before bed. I don’t want to carry this into my dreams.

Went to drop off some medicines for Mama MB and carrots for the guinea pig. Mama MB awoke on the couch.  Guess she’s been there all day. That’s the same spot she was sitting this morning.

She’s in so much pain.  Papa MB says the jackass Dr that is supposed to administer the radiation for her adrenal gland and back is out-of-town ..  OUT OF FUCKING TOWN!!!?:!??!

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!  MAMA MB IS TO SIT HOME AND SUFFER AS YOU RUN OFF FOR SEMINARS INSTEAD OF DOING YOUR FUCKING JOB.

I’m so mad!

I’m mad at the Dr. I’m mad at her Dr for giving up on her. I’m mad at her cancer. I’m mad at science for not having a cure or a medicine that will work for her. I’m mad at God(s) for letting her get to this point?

They’re just going to sit around and let Mama MB die.

Don’t judge me, don’t dare preach to me. I’m mad at the world because it’s my Mama MB and I’m scared she’s going to die.   Sit and watch your Mama die or get sicker and sicker. Feel more and more helpless with this. Listen to her name off all of her family members instead of calling you your own name!  Listen to her threaten your father and tell him he’s trying to kill her.

I cried tonight, I cry everyday.

I want her to get better. Shit just seems to get worse.

Papa MB and  I did talk and I hope we’re forced to push for care, hospice or hospitalization.  She won’t eat and drink.  What are our options?

This is hard for me.

I’m sorry you were all a witness to my break down.  But thank you for listening!

It’s OK to change?

 

 

A shit storm blew through this weekend. It was nerve wrecking to be honest. I cried my tears and cried some more this morning.

I’ve recently started going to church, in the beginning it was just a thing I wanted to do to be closer to Mama and Papa MB, but it’s grown into a something more.  Something that surprised even me.  I’m still going Sunday’s as a family thing but I’m also taking Pokey on Sunday evenings so she can enjoy the kid activities. So far we’ve got a thumbs up on this event. She attempted to convince me into letting her stay home last night… It didn’t work. She had fun!

Back to the point.. I found myself actually asking What would Jesus Do? I guess I determined he probably wouldn’t give up. With all the insult and torture he went through. He didn’t give up on people.  Does this mean I shouldn’t?

I don’t want to give up..  But I can’t live a life of anger and frustration. A life where the house isn’t at peace, everyone at everyone’s throat. No happy sounds echoing from the walls.

I’m hoping the shit storm dies down some. Mr MB and I have spent a few minutes talking this morning trying to come to terms with it all, but I guess we both just need to change… A little.

Change isn’t always a bad thing?

 

– Hang  in there!

 

I’ve been having these thoughts lately, it’s bugging me.  Long story short, when we were kids we spent a good deal of time with family members, as well as Mama MB; Popa MB not being in our lives until later in life.

So we would spend time with my uncle, Mama MB’s brother, and his soon to be wife. We loved them, she would take us to her parents house. Her mother made the most awesome peanut butter balls EVER! To this day I think about those peanut butter balls.

I wonder if she still makes them?

They were unwed and without children and would treat us as though we were the closest thing that had. Because we were. I remember they bought us (my sister and I) matching  jackets. They were the coolest things ever!  Coolest shit you ever seen!  I ain’t lying either!

I see pictures of us all together at times, Granny MB has them somewhere. And then there are pictures of us with their first-born. I remember their wedding.

My aunt tells me that something happened one day, something just snapped with Mama MB and she doesn’t know what. But we weren’t able to spend time with my aunt and uncle anymore.

Lately I’ve been wondering what might have happened. I miss her, we talk often these days. Which is new and it was last year she told me this tale and that she didn’t know what happened either.

It upset me to see her ache a little inside, to see her sad. I love them, still.

Damn these Mondays (from blogspot)

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I had a rough start to this morning. I don’t know why, just life and a bump in the road I assume.  It started great with Pokey though. It really did, she wasn’t pissy or mean, no yelling, kicking or spitting. A wonderful little happy monkey this morning. I was really genuinely happy.

On the way to work I started thinking, I’ve been doing that some here lately.  Time to blow the dust off the old brain I guess. Get some things to moving, because it’s been a while.   Since I’ve really thought about anything.

Mama Monkey Butt said the cancer was/is killing her. She said this to me on Saturday and though I wasn’t strong enough to hold back the tears. To not let her see me cry, because she doesn’t need that. She needs me to be strong, she doesn’t need to worry about me falling apart. I can’t fall apart, I’m her inspiration to keep on pushing.  Because no matter what she thinks, or wants to think.  She can beat this.  I think.  I know it’s going to take more than  just me saying so though.  She has to believe it as well.  I think I hope she knows she can beat this.  Defy her God and all of science and take this bitch down like no one’s business!  It can and will happen.

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So I’ve done a lot of soul searching over the weekend and it pains me to see and realize just how far my friends and I have grown apart. Though were we ever really that close to begin with?  As some of you know, I started blogging, because I’d walked into a room of friends who were talking about me. (READ MORE HERE)Talking together about some things I’d been saying to them. Now I’ve never confronted them and don’t ever intend on doing so, because it is what it is. I’ve done the same thing, far worse I’m sure.  I don’t know what exactly was said before I walked into the room, but none of that matters. It just means I started talking to all of you about some of my problems instead of sharing them with my friends. It really is a move to protect myself really, to protect me from those who can hurt me. As you all know, I most likely will never walk into a room full of you guys and gals talking smack about the Monkey Butt!  Right?  Ya know I fling poo, so it would be on like some pop cone!  Just sayin’!

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So I’ve sheltered myself back in and still refuse to speak out.  I did say something other day, because honestly I felt deeply insulted and offended by the lack of invitation lately.  It’s like no one wants me around anyway.  Then when I try and prove my point it’s just blown off, I then feel like I’m just there because I made a stink about it. Like deep down they don’t want me there, it was just an invitation out of …. what?  I don’t know. I’m butt hurt about it and when it all boils down. I don’t think there is much left to save anyway. Perhaps there never was.

Should I be sad?  I don’t think I can, because honestly, I never see them just as I may never meet all of you. But you guys and gals are much better friends than those I live next door too. Just goes to show, what you find in the world. We aren’t all wacked out messes who could care less about those they should love and or care about.  You Dingleberries are much better friends than most of those I’ve called friends for upwards of  ten years.  I think perhaps I’ve come to a crossroads in life and I must start weeding out those who just aren’t a good fit for me anymore.

Getting old is weird…. Isn’t it? This is my thoughts here lately, I blogged about them recently as well, some of you may remember.  If not, welcome to my messed up world.

Hang in there!