I had a rough start to this morning. I don’t know why, just life and a bump in the road I assume. It started great with Pokey though. It really did, she wasn’t pissy or mean, no yelling, kicking or spitting. A wonderful little happy monkey this morning. I was really genuinely happy.
On the way to work I started thinking, I’ve been doing that some here lately. Time to blow the dust off the old brain I guess. Get some things to moving, because it’s been a while. Since I’ve really thought about anything.
Mama Monkey Butt said the cancer was/is killing her. She said this to me on Saturday and though I wasn’t strong enough to hold back the tears. To not let her see me cry, because she doesn’t need that. She needs me to be strong, she doesn’t need to worry about me falling apart. I can’t fall apart, I’m her inspiration to keep on pushing. Because no matter what she thinks, or wants to think. She can beat this. I think. I know it’s going to take more than just me saying so though. She has to believe it as well. I think I hope she knows she can beat this. Defy her God and all of science and take this bitch down like no one’s business! It can and will happen.
So I’ve done a lot of soul searching over the weekend and it pains me to see and realize just how far my friends and I have grown apart. Though were we ever really that close to begin with? As some of you know, I started blogging, because I’d walked into a room of friends who were talking about me. (READ MORE HERE)Talking together about some things I’d been saying to them. Now I’ve never confronted them and don’t ever intend on doing so, because it is what it is. I’ve done the same thing, far worse I’m sure. I don’t know what exactly was said before I walked into the room, but none of that matters. It just means I started talking to all of you about some of my problems instead of sharing them with my friends. It really is a move to protect myself really, to protect me from those who can hurt me. As you all know, I most likely will never walk into a room full of you guys and gals talking smack about the Monkey Butt! Right? Ya know I fling poo, so it would be on like some pop cone! Just sayin’!
So I’ve sheltered myself back in and still refuse to speak out. I did say something other day, because honestly I felt deeply insulted and offended by the lack of invitation lately. It’s like no one wants me around anyway. Then when I try and prove my point it’s just blown off, I then feel like I’m just there because I made a stink about it. Like deep down they don’t want me there, it was just an invitation out of …. what? I don’t know. I’m butt hurt about it and when it all boils down. I don’t think there is much left to save anyway. Perhaps there never was.
Should I be sad? I don’t think I can, because honestly, I never see them just as I may never meet all of you. But you guys and gals are much better friends than those I live next door too. Just goes to show, what you find in the world. We aren’t all wacked out messes who could care less about those they should love and or care about. You Dingleberries are much better friends than most of those I’ve called friends for upwards of ten years. I think perhaps I’ve come to a crossroads in life and I must start weeding out those who just aren’t a good fit for me anymore.
Getting old is weird…. Isn’t it? This is my thoughts here lately, I blogged about them recently as well, some of you may remember. If not, welcome to my messed up world.
Hang in there!