Too much hope

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I’m lost without you, have no idea where you’ve gone. Life is unfair that you’re gone.  It’s not the same with you not here!

So apparently my insurance company offers a prenatal support thing or something…  I didn’t really pay the best of attentions..  No big surprise there.

Yesterday she asked me if I’d been experiencing any sadness or depression or things along those lines. Being the terrible liar that I am, I said yes, on an unrelated note,  I do have sadness and depression. She said they would have someone in that division call me.

I perked up a little, could it be that something could fall into place for me right now?  That perhaps I won’t have to do all of the searching and looking and hoping for the right therapist to come along. If there is such a thing?

I’m desperately seeking a therapist, never have I done this in my lifetime.

I’m such a mess right now and though I know it’s due to the loss of Mama MB but I’m also wondering if the  prego hormones have anything to do with this also..

As I’ve said before, and I mean it still.  I want to get away from this place, get away from this family of mine. From these friends of mine.

If I still feel this way next year, it could be a good excuse to do just that. Though I fear there may harder than I ever imagined.. Here’s to hoping I’m out of this slump come next year.

Is it too much to hope?

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There is always that one…

 

Good Monday and Happy Veterans Day for you veterans out there!

 

So as you know, I’m a mess of flooded emotions; fear, anger, stress. Not to mention the hormones raging from pregnancy! It’s understandable.

Mama MB had a good weekend, she was in and out of sleep. Still has pain, though it seems to just come and go when she has to be moved or move.   Being in bed all of  the time can’t help the situation any.

So over the weekend, with all of the family times.  We have a pretty large family and all weekend they were all in and out of Mama MB’s house.  For that I am glad.

Point of the post…

One of the family members mentioned Mama MB’s son.  One of them had spoken to him and advised him of the situation, asking if he would be coming down for a visit. He’s all the way in MA.  I don’t care for him. I don’t want him here. He’s caused Mama MB nothing but heart ache and pain since he’s came into our lives.

Now I’m in a spot where I want to ask the family not to speak to him, not to invite him to see her. That he isn’t welcome, because in my personal opinion.. He is NOT welcomed in our lives. I do not want him here to witness her sick times.

I’ve removed him from my life, completely and haven’t spoken to him in a long long time. I’d love to keep it that way.

I’ve told a few family members how I feel, but I’ve yet to muster the guts to bring it up to Papa MB.  only time will tell if I’m able to do so.

Besides I know the sorry POS “son” of hers isn’t going to show his face around here ever again.  One can hope anyway 😉

-Hang in there!

Is it crossing a line?

 

 

“There’s not much time left, sadly I don’t know that she will make it through the weekend”

The worst words you can ever hear someone say regarding the life of someone you love so dearly.

I don’t recall what I’ve told you dear Dingleberries lately about Mama MB and her health. They say it isn’t that good.   Things aren’t looking that great.

I feel like I’m either crying constantly or fighting back tears. I force myself to stop.

I can’t give up on her yet, not until her heart stops.

The point of the post… I’m seeking your opinions.

Yesterday a fellow co-worker said to me that he was scared his wife was going to get breast cancer, because she started smoking again. Smoking doesn’t always cause cancer.  But he adds that she has a lump and has refused to go have it checked…

Her mother also died in her early 50’s of cancer.

This woman has a 12 year old  from a previous marriage.

I cried all the way home because I fought within myself wanting to text him, my, co-worker, and beg him to remind his wife to go have it checked. Don’t walk!  RUN!

What would you do?  Do I cross the line and push to remind the importance of it.  Or do I mind my own business?  I don’t know how I will feel in the long run if I mind my business.

-Hang in there

Break down….

Forgive me again for going off on the depressing stuff… But I must get it off my chest before bed. I don’t want to carry this into my dreams.

Went to drop off some medicines for Mama MB and carrots for the guinea pig. Mama MB awoke on the couch.  Guess she’s been there all day. That’s the same spot she was sitting this morning.

She’s in so much pain.  Papa MB says the jackass Dr that is supposed to administer the radiation for her adrenal gland and back is out-of-town ..  OUT OF FUCKING TOWN!!!?:!??!

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!  MAMA MB IS TO SIT HOME AND SUFFER AS YOU RUN OFF FOR SEMINARS INSTEAD OF DOING YOUR FUCKING JOB.

I’m so mad!

I’m mad at the Dr. I’m mad at her Dr for giving up on her. I’m mad at her cancer. I’m mad at science for not having a cure or a medicine that will work for her. I’m mad at God(s) for letting her get to this point?

They’re just going to sit around and let Mama MB die.

Don’t judge me, don’t dare preach to me. I’m mad at the world because it’s my Mama MB and I’m scared she’s going to die.   Sit and watch your Mama die or get sicker and sicker. Feel more and more helpless with this. Listen to her name off all of her family members instead of calling you your own name!  Listen to her threaten your father and tell him he’s trying to kill her.

I cried tonight, I cry everyday.

I want her to get better. Shit just seems to get worse.

Papa MB and  I did talk and I hope we’re forced to push for care, hospice or hospitalization.  She won’t eat and drink.  What are our options?

This is hard for me.

I’m sorry you were all a witness to my break down.  But thank you for listening!

It’s OK to change?

 

 

A shit storm blew through this weekend. It was nerve wrecking to be honest. I cried my tears and cried some more this morning.

I’ve recently started going to church, in the beginning it was just a thing I wanted to do to be closer to Mama and Papa MB, but it’s grown into a something more.  Something that surprised even me.  I’m still going Sunday’s as a family thing but I’m also taking Pokey on Sunday evenings so she can enjoy the kid activities. So far we’ve got a thumbs up on this event. She attempted to convince me into letting her stay home last night… It didn’t work. She had fun!

Back to the point.. I found myself actually asking What would Jesus Do? I guess I determined he probably wouldn’t give up. With all the insult and torture he went through. He didn’t give up on people.  Does this mean I shouldn’t?

I don’t want to give up..  But I can’t live a life of anger and frustration. A life where the house isn’t at peace, everyone at everyone’s throat. No happy sounds echoing from the walls.

I’m hoping the shit storm dies down some. Mr MB and I have spent a few minutes talking this morning trying to come to terms with it all, but I guess we both just need to change… A little.

Change isn’t always a bad thing?

 

– Hang  in there!

It’s better to love and lose?

 

 

Mama MB’s birthday was yesterday, she’s at the young age of 48.  It wasn’t a happy celebration if you ask me.

I didn’t ask her, I dare not ask her much of anything these days. She’s insist on lying to me, to everyone. I hate to call it lying, because it may not be a lie. She just neglects to tell us anything. When asked she says fine. I’m a woman too ya know Mama MB? I think I know that when we use the word fine. We are in fact NOT fine.  

It’s weird being this close to someone who is suffering so much.  To see them suffer in silence and to just stumble through what’s left of their life with a pain and shutting everyone out.

What can one do? What would you do?

Yesterday I posted that it’s hard to come to terms with losing someone you love so much, someone you’ve loved your whole life. Not like your significant other, it’s something more.

For those who say  it’s better to have loved and lost than to never love at all…. Try it!  You let me know how you can call that better.  I think they’re wrong.