Too much hope

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I’m lost without you, have no idea where you’ve gone. Life is unfair that you’re gone.  It’s not the same with you not here!

So apparently my insurance company offers a prenatal support thing or something…  I didn’t really pay the best of attentions..  No big surprise there.

Yesterday she asked me if I’d been experiencing any sadness or depression or things along those lines. Being the terrible liar that I am, I said yes, on an unrelated note,  I do have sadness and depression. She said they would have someone in that division call me.

I perked up a little, could it be that something could fall into place for me right now?  That perhaps I won’t have to do all of the searching and looking and hoping for the right therapist to come along. If there is such a thing?

I’m desperately seeking a therapist, never have I done this in my lifetime.

I’m such a mess right now and though I know it’s due to the loss of Mama MB but I’m also wondering if the  prego hormones have anything to do with this also..

As I’ve said before, and I mean it still.  I want to get away from this place, get away from this family of mine. From these friends of mine.

If I still feel this way next year, it could be a good excuse to do just that. Though I fear there may harder than I ever imagined.. Here’s to hoping I’m out of this slump come next year.

Is it too much to hope?

Needing to get away

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So I’m the oldest of two children born to Mama and Papa MB and for some reason, as I got older. The more and more I felt like I was the least favorite of us two.

Perhaps favorite is the wrong word to use.

Mama and Papa MB watched me early on grow to be independent and to take care of myself.

I was only given one car and after that I was to pay for my own way. When given my first car it was necessary for me to get a job. Though they did pay my insurance and also financing of said vehicle.

But as I got older and older. Now I feel like they do more for my sister than they ever did me.  Sometimes I feel like they are closer to her than they are me.

Maybe that’s my fault, for being the way I am.

I didn’t stay home with the parents.

I moved away

I became independent.  My sister didn’t.

I guess.

I don’t know.

I just feel now, at this age.

With my Mama MB gone from this place.

I feel like I don’t want to be around anymore.

I want to go somewhere.

I want to get away!

Grudges

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I can’t seem to shake this grudge I’m holding on to.

I assume it’s easy in rough times like these.

When you’re in a selfish state of mind and someone hurt your core.

It’s easy for me to hurt,

It’s easy for me to dislike.

Because I am hurt, I am not liking.

I’m wishing that I could shake the grudge, because I’m suppose to care for this person.  If only a little bit.

 

-Hang in there!

Her pain has ended

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Mine seems to have only began …. Mama MB lost her fight against that bastard of a devil called Breast Cancer on Monday, November 26, 2012 at 6:10 pm.  My heart broke that night. Every moment since then a piece of it is ripped from my soul.  It feels like a constant fist wrapped around my heart, squeezing and pulling.

I’m hopeful it will shrivel up and stop aching soon.

It’s been since Thanksgiving that I’ve posted here. I hate coming in to report sadness and heart ache on my part. Posting things that just bum the page out. But it’s such a huge loss in this MB’s life.  One that isn’t taken lightly and won’t soon pass my heart.

But I’m doing my best…

-Hanging in there!

Ready for the weekend.

Happy Friday Dingleberries. It feels like a Monday here. Had Thanksgiving Day off and I’m feeling the lack of sleep kicking it right now. We were  out a tad bit late though.  Oh well, that’s what the holidays are for… Right?

So let me start by asking, everyone have a fabulous Thanksgiving or what? Anyone join in the fun of Black Friday shopping?  I’m steering clear of shopping this year. I don’t want to go at it, let along with the rest of the state on my heels.  Just best for me to stay home and catch up on some sleep. I’ve family members who were out at 11 pm Thanksgiving night and didn’t get home until like 12 hours later.

There may be something wrong with (some of) the people in my family!

Today at work is just dragging by, I think it’s the lack of sleep part of it that’s making it so bad. I neglected to snap any photos yesterday. The kids were being pretty good and we were able to spend time with family.

All in all, pretty good day.

Now for this Friday to get done with, we’re going tree shopping tonight.  Then time to….relax?  Wait?  What’s that word mean?

Till next time,

 

Hang in there!

Woe is Me: Selfish Me

 

Last night was a rough night.

Hopes and wishes crushed…..

My grandma called me last night, while at the hair cut store

My aunt called me…

My aunt called again, still unsure what her screams and sobs were saying to me.

My uncle called me.

Time spent with Mama and Papa MB.

Mama MB looks like a skeleton in that dim lit room.

My heart breaks.

The family quarrels.

How did I get put into the middle of it?

Life isn’t fair.

I’m a selfish brat for wishing, with all of my heart, that she doesn’t pass on my birthday. That she’s here with me, one last time on one of her most favorite days of the year!

-Hang in there    ??? How?

People that irk me!

Just a quick update for tonight…

Well apparently I’ve neglected to update my friends on the Facebook that I am indeed pregos.  Yea so I have no idea how I managed to do that. I assume I told everyone I gave a crap about and just kind of left it at that.

So today I “outed” myself and got some crazy responses to it, mostly “oh my god” “congrats” and “I had no idea”. But  I got one response and for some reason it really irked me….  She said “it’s about damn time you mentioned it”  For some reason that irritated the shit out of me.

This is a girl I added earlier in the year, last year perhaps. Added her when Mr MB and I got together and I put forth a bit of effort to chat with her and be friends only to feel as though it was just a one way thing there.  So she says this today and I really just kind huffed and said whatthefuck?

Maybe I’m just taking it the wrong way?

Shouldn’t she have said something like, “lol” on the end of it? Or added a silly smiley face or  something? It’s something I would do if I were saying some shit that seems over the lineish…  It’s kind of like, look, ok so I’ve no idea who you are really, other than we  have chatted a few times.. I wouldn’t say something like “bout time” without adding a LOL or a goofy smiley.  That’s just me, but then again.. I do expect way to much of people which usually leads to me being disappointed at the end of the day!

Things are really “over the line” for me lately aren’t they?

Ok Ok, rant over!!

Last thing for tonight…  I watched last weeks episode of The Walking Dead tonight. I take back all of the bad things I said about Lori!  I cried through the end  of the episode, like such a girl!  It’s OK though. I loved it, I’ve missed watching it.

And there ya have it!!

-Hang  in there!

 

There is always that one…

 

Good Monday and Happy Veterans Day for you veterans out there!

 

So as you know, I’m a mess of flooded emotions; fear, anger, stress. Not to mention the hormones raging from pregnancy! It’s understandable.

Mama MB had a good weekend, she was in and out of sleep. Still has pain, though it seems to just come and go when she has to be moved or move.   Being in bed all of  the time can’t help the situation any.

So over the weekend, with all of the family times.  We have a pretty large family and all weekend they were all in and out of Mama MB’s house.  For that I am glad.

Point of the post…

One of the family members mentioned Mama MB’s son.  One of them had spoken to him and advised him of the situation, asking if he would be coming down for a visit. He’s all the way in MA.  I don’t care for him. I don’t want him here. He’s caused Mama MB nothing but heart ache and pain since he’s came into our lives.

Now I’m in a spot where I want to ask the family not to speak to him, not to invite him to see her. That he isn’t welcome, because in my personal opinion.. He is NOT welcomed in our lives. I do not want him here to witness her sick times.

I’ve removed him from my life, completely and haven’t spoken to him in a long long time. I’d love to keep it that way.

I’ve told a few family members how I feel, but I’ve yet to muster the guts to bring it up to Papa MB.  only time will tell if I’m able to do so.

Besides I know the sorry POS “son” of hers isn’t going to show his face around here ever again.  One can hope anyway 😉

-Hang in there!

Is it crossing a line?

 

 

“There’s not much time left, sadly I don’t know that she will make it through the weekend”

The worst words you can ever hear someone say regarding the life of someone you love so dearly.

I don’t recall what I’ve told you dear Dingleberries lately about Mama MB and her health. They say it isn’t that good.   Things aren’t looking that great.

I feel like I’m either crying constantly or fighting back tears. I force myself to stop.

I can’t give up on her yet, not until her heart stops.

The point of the post… I’m seeking your opinions.

Yesterday a fellow co-worker said to me that he was scared his wife was going to get breast cancer, because she started smoking again. Smoking doesn’t always cause cancer.  But he adds that she has a lump and has refused to go have it checked…

Her mother also died in her early 50’s of cancer.

This woman has a 12 year old  from a previous marriage.

I cried all the way home because I fought within myself wanting to text him, my, co-worker, and beg him to remind his wife to go have it checked. Don’t walk!  RUN!

What would you do?  Do I cross the line and push to remind the importance of it.  Or do I mind my own business?  I don’t know how I will feel in the long run if I mind my business.

-Hang in there

Break down….

Forgive me again for going off on the depressing stuff… But I must get it off my chest before bed. I don’t want to carry this into my dreams.

Went to drop off some medicines for Mama MB and carrots for the guinea pig. Mama MB awoke on the couch.  Guess she’s been there all day. That’s the same spot she was sitting this morning.

She’s in so much pain.  Papa MB says the jackass Dr that is supposed to administer the radiation for her adrenal gland and back is out-of-town ..  OUT OF FUCKING TOWN!!!?:!??!

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!  MAMA MB IS TO SIT HOME AND SUFFER AS YOU RUN OFF FOR SEMINARS INSTEAD OF DOING YOUR FUCKING JOB.

I’m so mad!

I’m mad at the Dr. I’m mad at her Dr for giving up on her. I’m mad at her cancer. I’m mad at science for not having a cure or a medicine that will work for her. I’m mad at God(s) for letting her get to this point?

They’re just going to sit around and let Mama MB die.

Don’t judge me, don’t dare preach to me. I’m mad at the world because it’s my Mama MB and I’m scared she’s going to die.   Sit and watch your Mama die or get sicker and sicker. Feel more and more helpless with this. Listen to her name off all of her family members instead of calling you your own name!  Listen to her threaten your father and tell him he’s trying to kill her.

I cried tonight, I cry everyday.

I want her to get better. Shit just seems to get worse.

Papa MB and  I did talk and I hope we’re forced to push for care, hospice or hospitalization.  She won’t eat and drink.  What are our options?

This is hard for me.

I’m sorry you were all a witness to my break down.  But thank you for listening!