I worry,

ATT00024

 

I sit and watch my grandma.  Granny as I call her,

Mama Monkey Butt died last year, it will be a year next month.

I’m not looking forward to that. As if October isn’t bad enough, I have to live through a birthday with out her. I have to watch the calender as the one year mark gets closer and closer.  Like every day isn’t hard enough.

My Granny is getting older, every year, older and older.

I can’t stand the thoughts I have, the fears of her leaving this world too.

I don’t know if I can take anymore loss.

Too much hope

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I’m lost without you, have no idea where you’ve gone. Life is unfair that you’re gone.  It’s not the same with you not here!

So apparently my insurance company offers a prenatal support thing or something…  I didn’t really pay the best of attentions..  No big surprise there.

Yesterday she asked me if I’d been experiencing any sadness or depression or things along those lines. Being the terrible liar that I am, I said yes, on an unrelated note,  I do have sadness and depression. She said they would have someone in that division call me.

I perked up a little, could it be that something could fall into place for me right now?  That perhaps I won’t have to do all of the searching and looking and hoping for the right therapist to come along. If there is such a thing?

I’m desperately seeking a therapist, never have I done this in my lifetime.

I’m such a mess right now and though I know it’s due to the loss of Mama MB but I’m also wondering if the  prego hormones have anything to do with this also..

As I’ve said before, and I mean it still.  I want to get away from this place, get away from this family of mine. From these friends of mine.

If I still feel this way next year, it could be a good excuse to do just that. Though I fear there may harder than I ever imagined.. Here’s to hoping I’m out of this slump come next year.

Is it too much to hope?

Grudges

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I can’t seem to shake this grudge I’m holding on to.

I assume it’s easy in rough times like these.

When you’re in a selfish state of mind and someone hurt your core.

It’s easy for me to hurt,

It’s easy for me to dislike.

Because I am hurt, I am not liking.

I’m wishing that I could shake the grudge, because I’m suppose to care for this person.  If only a little bit.

 

-Hang in there!

Her pain has ended

monkey

 

Mine seems to have only began …. Mama MB lost her fight against that bastard of a devil called Breast Cancer on Monday, November 26, 2012 at 6:10 pm.  My heart broke that night. Every moment since then a piece of it is ripped from my soul.  It feels like a constant fist wrapped around my heart, squeezing and pulling.

I’m hopeful it will shrivel up and stop aching soon.

It’s been since Thanksgiving that I’ve posted here. I hate coming in to report sadness and heart ache on my part. Posting things that just bum the page out. But it’s such a huge loss in this MB’s life.  One that isn’t taken lightly and won’t soon pass my heart.

But I’m doing my best…

-Hanging in there!

Woe is Me: Selfish Me

 

Last night was a rough night.

Hopes and wishes crushed…..

My grandma called me last night, while at the hair cut store

My aunt called me…

My aunt called again, still unsure what her screams and sobs were saying to me.

My uncle called me.

Time spent with Mama and Papa MB.

Mama MB looks like a skeleton in that dim lit room.

My heart breaks.

The family quarrels.

How did I get put into the middle of it?

Life isn’t fair.

I’m a selfish brat for wishing, with all of my heart, that she doesn’t pass on my birthday. That she’s here with me, one last time on one of her most favorite days of the year!

-Hang in there    ??? How?

There is always that one…

 

Good Monday and Happy Veterans Day for you veterans out there!

 

So as you know, I’m a mess of flooded emotions; fear, anger, stress. Not to mention the hormones raging from pregnancy! It’s understandable.

Mama MB had a good weekend, she was in and out of sleep. Still has pain, though it seems to just come and go when she has to be moved or move.   Being in bed all of  the time can’t help the situation any.

So over the weekend, with all of the family times.  We have a pretty large family and all weekend they were all in and out of Mama MB’s house.  For that I am glad.

Point of the post…

One of the family members mentioned Mama MB’s son.  One of them had spoken to him and advised him of the situation, asking if he would be coming down for a visit. He’s all the way in MA.  I don’t care for him. I don’t want him here. He’s caused Mama MB nothing but heart ache and pain since he’s came into our lives.

Now I’m in a spot where I want to ask the family not to speak to him, not to invite him to see her. That he isn’t welcome, because in my personal opinion.. He is NOT welcomed in our lives. I do not want him here to witness her sick times.

I’ve removed him from my life, completely and haven’t spoken to him in a long long time. I’d love to keep it that way.

I’ve told a few family members how I feel, but I’ve yet to muster the guts to bring it up to Papa MB.  only time will tell if I’m able to do so.

Besides I know the sorry POS “son” of hers isn’t going to show his face around here ever again.  One can hope anyway 😉

-Hang in there!

Break down….

Forgive me again for going off on the depressing stuff… But I must get it off my chest before bed. I don’t want to carry this into my dreams.

Went to drop off some medicines for Mama MB and carrots for the guinea pig. Mama MB awoke on the couch.  Guess she’s been there all day. That’s the same spot she was sitting this morning.

She’s in so much pain.  Papa MB says the jackass Dr that is supposed to administer the radiation for her adrenal gland and back is out-of-town ..  OUT OF FUCKING TOWN!!!?:!??!

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!  MAMA MB IS TO SIT HOME AND SUFFER AS YOU RUN OFF FOR SEMINARS INSTEAD OF DOING YOUR FUCKING JOB.

I’m so mad!

I’m mad at the Dr. I’m mad at her Dr for giving up on her. I’m mad at her cancer. I’m mad at science for not having a cure or a medicine that will work for her. I’m mad at God(s) for letting her get to this point?

They’re just going to sit around and let Mama MB die.

Don’t judge me, don’t dare preach to me. I’m mad at the world because it’s my Mama MB and I’m scared she’s going to die.   Sit and watch your Mama die or get sicker and sicker. Feel more and more helpless with this. Listen to her name off all of her family members instead of calling you your own name!  Listen to her threaten your father and tell him he’s trying to kill her.

I cried tonight, I cry everyday.

I want her to get better. Shit just seems to get worse.

Papa MB and  I did talk and I hope we’re forced to push for care, hospice or hospitalization.  She won’t eat and drink.  What are our options?

This is hard for me.

I’m sorry you were all a witness to my break down.  But thank you for listening!

It’s not time!

 

It feels like I’m losing her.  That my only options now are to sit back and wait for it to happen.  She’s stopped eating and drinking. Only taking in little to no food or water each day.  No one can convince her otherwise.  ” I’ll eat when I’m ready”

I fear she’s going to die.

Or that she will be put into the hospital and from there it’s a toss up.  Our hospitals sure have a way of letting sick people die when they’re admitted. Perhaps it’s just the nature of the beast? Perhaps they’re just destined to be….dead?

I’m sorry I only post these posts of depression lately. I’m in a hard point of my life… I’m terrified.

I love her so much, she is my mother.  I’d take it all away for her if I could.  My faith (or lack there of) is being tested. I”m furious with the God(s), with science, with medicine.  We came into this hopeful, this wouldn’t take her down.

She’s been through so much .. She’s so strong, she’s a fighter.

Are we all allowed a time to just give up and let go?

Should I accept this?  If so, how does one accept this?  It’s not time. It’s not her time.

-Hang in there!

 

It feels like I’m losing her.  That my only options now are to sit back and wait for it to happen.  She’s stopped eating and drinking. Only taking in little to no food or water each day.  No one can convince her otherwise.  ” I’ll eat when I’m ready”

I fear she’s going to die.

Or that she will be put into the hospital and from there it’s a toss up.  Our hospitals sure have a way of letting sick people die when they’re admitted. Perhaps it’s just the nature of the beast? Perhaps they’re just destined to be….dead?

I’m sorry I only post these posts of depression lately. I’m in a hard point of my life… I’m terrified.

I love her so much, she is my mother.  I’d take it all away for her if I could.  My faith (or lack there of) is being tested. I”m furious with the God(s), with science, with medicine.  We came into this hopeful, this wouldn’t take her down.

She’s been through so much .. She’s so strong, she’s a fighter.

Are we all allowed a time to just give up and let go?

Should I accept this?  If so, how does one accept this?  It’s not time. It’s not her time.

-Hang in there!

Memory is a weird thing

 

 

There aren’t many days I can remember what exactly I was doing, where I was or really any other details, but 9/11 happens to be one of them I can recall pretty clearly.

I know I wouldn’t do well with  interrogation by the police, because I’d never remember where I was on the night of … blah blah blah. I’m sure they’d hang me out to dry like dirty laundry.

But I remember I woke up, the sun was shining. I turned on the television and the news reporters all over the television set were telling us about the disaster as it was going down or had gone down. That’s the part I can’t remember, was  it already over or had it just begun?  I can’t recall that. I remember thinking wow that’s insanity, but honestly I don’t recall giving it much more thought than that. I wasn’t in a position where I was reachable so no one could call and tell me all about it.  I was just lost I guess, the story came together later I’m sure.

Such a tragedy!

My thoughts and feel good vibes sent out into the world today.  So many people lost their lives and their loved ones.  I pray they’ve found some peace among all that destruction, mess and loss.

**For those who are curious, I remember being in middle school. Sitting in my classroom and the teacher announces she has to turn on the television set to what the OJ Simpson trail.

 

Crazy the things we remember and don’t.

 

-Hang in there!