Her pain has ended

monkey

 

Mine seems to have only began …. Mama MB lost her fight against that bastard of a devil called Breast Cancer on Monday, November 26, 2012 at 6:10 pm.  My heart broke that night. Every moment since then a piece of it is ripped from my soul.  It feels like a constant fist wrapped around my heart, squeezing and pulling.

I’m hopeful it will shrivel up and stop aching soon.

It’s been since Thanksgiving that I’ve posted here. I hate coming in to report sadness and heart ache on my part. Posting things that just bum the page out. But it’s such a huge loss in this MB’s life.  One that isn’t taken lightly and won’t soon pass my heart.

But I’m doing my best…

-Hanging in there!

Woe is Me: Selfish Me

 

Last night was a rough night.

Hopes and wishes crushed…..

My grandma called me last night, while at the hair cut store

My aunt called me…

My aunt called again, still unsure what her screams and sobs were saying to me.

My uncle called me.

Time spent with Mama and Papa MB.

Mama MB looks like a skeleton in that dim lit room.

My heart breaks.

The family quarrels.

How did I get put into the middle of it?

Life isn’t fair.

I’m a selfish brat for wishing, with all of my heart, that she doesn’t pass on my birthday. That she’s here with me, one last time on one of her most favorite days of the year!

-Hang in there    ??? How?

Break down….

Forgive me again for going off on the depressing stuff… But I must get it off my chest before bed. I don’t want to carry this into my dreams.

Went to drop off some medicines for Mama MB and carrots for the guinea pig. Mama MB awoke on the couch.  Guess she’s been there all day. That’s the same spot she was sitting this morning.

She’s in so much pain.  Papa MB says the jackass Dr that is supposed to administer the radiation for her adrenal gland and back is out-of-town ..  OUT OF FUCKING TOWN!!!?:!??!

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!  MAMA MB IS TO SIT HOME AND SUFFER AS YOU RUN OFF FOR SEMINARS INSTEAD OF DOING YOUR FUCKING JOB.

I’m so mad!

I’m mad at the Dr. I’m mad at her Dr for giving up on her. I’m mad at her cancer. I’m mad at science for not having a cure or a medicine that will work for her. I’m mad at God(s) for letting her get to this point?

They’re just going to sit around and let Mama MB die.

Don’t judge me, don’t dare preach to me. I’m mad at the world because it’s my Mama MB and I’m scared she’s going to die.   Sit and watch your Mama die or get sicker and sicker. Feel more and more helpless with this. Listen to her name off all of her family members instead of calling you your own name!  Listen to her threaten your father and tell him he’s trying to kill her.

I cried tonight, I cry everyday.

I want her to get better. Shit just seems to get worse.

Papa MB and  I did talk and I hope we’re forced to push for care, hospice or hospitalization.  She won’t eat and drink.  What are our options?

This is hard for me.

I’m sorry you were all a witness to my break down.  But thank you for listening!

It’s not time!

 

It feels like I’m losing her.  That my only options now are to sit back and wait for it to happen.  She’s stopped eating and drinking. Only taking in little to no food or water each day.  No one can convince her otherwise.  ” I’ll eat when I’m ready”

I fear she’s going to die.

Or that she will be put into the hospital and from there it’s a toss up.  Our hospitals sure have a way of letting sick people die when they’re admitted. Perhaps it’s just the nature of the beast? Perhaps they’re just destined to be….dead?

I’m sorry I only post these posts of depression lately. I’m in a hard point of my life… I’m terrified.

I love her so much, she is my mother.  I’d take it all away for her if I could.  My faith (or lack there of) is being tested. I”m furious with the God(s), with science, with medicine.  We came into this hopeful, this wouldn’t take her down.

She’s been through so much .. She’s so strong, she’s a fighter.

Are we all allowed a time to just give up and let go?

Should I accept this?  If so, how does one accept this?  It’s not time. It’s not her time.

-Hang in there!

 

It feels like I’m losing her.  That my only options now are to sit back and wait for it to happen.  She’s stopped eating and drinking. Only taking in little to no food or water each day.  No one can convince her otherwise.  ” I’ll eat when I’m ready”

I fear she’s going to die.

Or that she will be put into the hospital and from there it’s a toss up.  Our hospitals sure have a way of letting sick people die when they’re admitted. Perhaps it’s just the nature of the beast? Perhaps they’re just destined to be….dead?

I’m sorry I only post these posts of depression lately. I’m in a hard point of my life… I’m terrified.

I love her so much, she is my mother.  I’d take it all away for her if I could.  My faith (or lack there of) is being tested. I”m furious with the God(s), with science, with medicine.  We came into this hopeful, this wouldn’t take her down.

She’s been through so much .. She’s so strong, she’s a fighter.

Are we all allowed a time to just give up and let go?

Should I accept this?  If so, how does one accept this?  It’s not time. It’s not her time.

-Hang in there!

Can we hate the haters?

 

 

I’m still a mixed up basket case of  mess.  But I’m hoping and praying that the new pain medication and medications will get Mama MB back to a less painful state.

She said to me “it’s everywhere”.  I know what this means, from nameless sources. But I’m not suppose to know.  I can’t say anything. I don’t want to say anything.

Science or God needs to step in and control this cancer for us. It’s not fair for God to want my Mama MB. I want to keep her here with me, pain free, like new. Or at least what she was before the cancer.

Reading all these I hate Komen messages.  I’m such a mess with cancer.

Is it wrong to hope?  Ever?  Thanks Komen haters for making me think there is no hope left.

-Hang in there?

Pain Management needed,

Papa MB just text me. Granny MB is taking Mama MB to the Dr or ER today.  I may have mentioned Mama MB has been in A LOT of pain lately with her cancer and treatments. It’s a significant amount of pain in her back right now.

Possibly from the chemo or possibly because the chemo isn’t working.

Prayers needed for Mama MB as we go down this road here.  I pray they can get her pain under control!

It’s better to love and lose?

 

 

Mama MB’s birthday was yesterday, she’s at the young age of 48.  It wasn’t a happy celebration if you ask me.

I didn’t ask her, I dare not ask her much of anything these days. She’s insist on lying to me, to everyone. I hate to call it lying, because it may not be a lie. She just neglects to tell us anything. When asked she says fine. I’m a woman too ya know Mama MB? I think I know that when we use the word fine. We are in fact NOT fine.  

It’s weird being this close to someone who is suffering so much.  To see them suffer in silence and to just stumble through what’s left of their life with a pain and shutting everyone out.

What can one do? What would you do?

Yesterday I posted that it’s hard to come to terms with losing someone you love so much, someone you’ve loved your whole life. Not like your significant other, it’s something more.

For those who say  it’s better to have loved and lost than to never love at all…. Try it!  You let me know how you can call that better.  I think they’re wrong.

If only,

I think it’s been easier for me to look away, to tell myself that everything will be OK. To hope I guess is the word I’m searching for.  But I feel the sudden sadness that maybe hope just isn’t going to cut  it.

Those people I love, the ones who are my family. Constantly reminding me of the grave situation.  I feel a little sad today with all the overwhelming realities.

The realities that I think I find myself tucking away with hopes that I won’t have to face them.

Reality is, we’re all going to die. The illusion that I’ve been seeing in the last few years is simply that. The realization and accepting of this was brutally challenging for me in days past.  I don’t think I’m ever going to be prepared for the loss of the ones who I love.

But I think reality is, they were born to die.  We all are, it’s just a matter of time before life ends for each of us.

Why do I struggle with that fact? Why can’t I understand it? That life ends for all people; sometimes at too young of an age.  It’s too hard to think about most days.

Why must we come to accept these things? Why must we come to understand these things at such a young age?

If only I’d known, if only I’d remembered. Pushed and pushed and done things differently..

If only..

It won’t fix anything. Things are what they are and well… We must just accept those things. Right?

Hang in there.