Bah Hum Bug?

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So I’m again, lost at the moment.

Called Papa MB, because neither of us have gotten our tree up. Heck we’ve yet to even get a tree.  This morning he tells me he wasn’t planning on putting one up this year?

I don’t know how to feel about this.  He tells me that no one will see it but him and my daughter.

Still unsure how  I feel about this.

He also says, unlike last year, we will have our Christmas at my house instead of his.  This isn’t  a thing we’ve ever tried..

Just don’t know, it’s  a weird kind of year.

Too much hope

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I’m lost without you, have no idea where you’ve gone. Life is unfair that you’re gone.  It’s not the same with you not here!

So apparently my insurance company offers a prenatal support thing or something…  I didn’t really pay the best of attentions..  No big surprise there.

Yesterday she asked me if I’d been experiencing any sadness or depression or things along those lines. Being the terrible liar that I am, I said yes, on an unrelated note,  I do have sadness and depression. She said they would have someone in that division call me.

I perked up a little, could it be that something could fall into place for me right now?  That perhaps I won’t have to do all of the searching and looking and hoping for the right therapist to come along. If there is such a thing?

I’m desperately seeking a therapist, never have I done this in my lifetime.

I’m such a mess right now and though I know it’s due to the loss of Mama MB but I’m also wondering if the  prego hormones have anything to do with this also..

As I’ve said before, and I mean it still.  I want to get away from this place, get away from this family of mine. From these friends of mine.

If I still feel this way next year, it could be a good excuse to do just that. Though I fear there may harder than I ever imagined.. Here’s to hoping I’m out of this slump come next year.

Is it too much to hope?

Needing to get away

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So I’m the oldest of two children born to Mama and Papa MB and for some reason, as I got older. The more and more I felt like I was the least favorite of us two.

Perhaps favorite is the wrong word to use.

Mama and Papa MB watched me early on grow to be independent and to take care of myself.

I was only given one car and after that I was to pay for my own way. When given my first car it was necessary for me to get a job. Though they did pay my insurance and also financing of said vehicle.

But as I got older and older. Now I feel like they do more for my sister than they ever did me.  Sometimes I feel like they are closer to her than they are me.

Maybe that’s my fault, for being the way I am.

I didn’t stay home with the parents.

I moved away

I became independent.  My sister didn’t.

I guess.

I don’t know.

I just feel now, at this age.

With my Mama MB gone from this place.

I feel like I don’t want to be around anymore.

I want to go somewhere.

I want to get away!

Grudges

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I can’t seem to shake this grudge I’m holding on to.

I assume it’s easy in rough times like these.

When you’re in a selfish state of mind and someone hurt your core.

It’s easy for me to hurt,

It’s easy for me to dislike.

Because I am hurt, I am not liking.

I’m wishing that I could shake the grudge, because I’m suppose to care for this person.  If only a little bit.

 

-Hang in there!

Ready for the weekend.

Happy Friday Dingleberries. It feels like a Monday here. Had Thanksgiving Day off and I’m feeling the lack of sleep kicking it right now. We were  out a tad bit late though.  Oh well, that’s what the holidays are for… Right?

So let me start by asking, everyone have a fabulous Thanksgiving or what? Anyone join in the fun of Black Friday shopping?  I’m steering clear of shopping this year. I don’t want to go at it, let along with the rest of the state on my heels.  Just best for me to stay home and catch up on some sleep. I’ve family members who were out at 11 pm Thanksgiving night and didn’t get home until like 12 hours later.

There may be something wrong with (some of) the people in my family!

Today at work is just dragging by, I think it’s the lack of sleep part of it that’s making it so bad. I neglected to snap any photos yesterday. The kids were being pretty good and we were able to spend time with family.

All in all, pretty good day.

Now for this Friday to get done with, we’re going tree shopping tonight.  Then time to….relax?  Wait?  What’s that word mean?

Till next time,

 

Hang in there!

See Monkey Run

 

 

Lady at work here raised her voice to me today.  I could have ripped her head off.

I could have cried, right there, out loud.

I did none of the above, I walked away.

Things are calmer now.

I will blame the hormones.  This place and any place better pray that I make it through these hormones.

Could see MB on the next Cops series!

My levels are high


My anxiety is really high the last few days.

I’m pregnant…

I’m almost positive I was in the beginning stages of an anxiety attack on the way in to work this morning. I don’t think it has anything to do with the mental part of being pregnant. Could it be hormones?

I don’t know what it is, I do know I don’t medicate, ever.  I know that whatever it is I will need to get a nice grip on soon, because I’m not one to sit and deal with anxiety without completely rearranging my whole life.

So for now, I wait… Will it level out or will I be forced to find an escape?

– Hang in there!

How could she?

I’m friends with a couple, ex couple, the book of face said they’ve recently split up.  saddened me a little, because they are also parents.

So I’m reading his posts lately and checking it all out, trying to keep my distance and not say anything. It’s not my business ya know?  But when it’s put in front  of me  I can’t help but see  it.  I’m actually considering de-friending both of them.

So I read recently that she was moving away from him, found out tonight that she left without the children. I know the kids are boys and probably just as good with their father as they would be their mother. I can’t understand HOW she could leave her kids… I can understand the husband.  Sometimes marriage doesn’t work out, but to leave your kids?

I guess I won’t ever understand all people.. Makes me sad that they cry for and miss their mother.  We all have problems, especially with relationships, but damn…

I’m quick to judge, or I was. I’m trying not to and keeping my distance, it just breaks my heart.

Hate the sin, not the sinner… Right?

It’s OK to change?

 

 

A shit storm blew through this weekend. It was nerve wrecking to be honest. I cried my tears and cried some more this morning.

I’ve recently started going to church, in the beginning it was just a thing I wanted to do to be closer to Mama and Papa MB, but it’s grown into a something more.  Something that surprised even me.  I’m still going Sunday’s as a family thing but I’m also taking Pokey on Sunday evenings so she can enjoy the kid activities. So far we’ve got a thumbs up on this event. She attempted to convince me into letting her stay home last night… It didn’t work. She had fun!

Back to the point.. I found myself actually asking What would Jesus Do? I guess I determined he probably wouldn’t give up. With all the insult and torture he went through. He didn’t give up on people.  Does this mean I shouldn’t?

I don’t want to give up..  But I can’t live a life of anger and frustration. A life where the house isn’t at peace, everyone at everyone’s throat. No happy sounds echoing from the walls.

I’m hoping the shit storm dies down some. Mr MB and I have spent a few minutes talking this morning trying to come to terms with it all, but I guess we both just need to change… A little.

Change isn’t always a bad thing?

 

– Hang  in there!

What to do, what to do…

 

Met with the admissions lady at Le Cordon Bleu last night. It was an incredible experience and I was excited beyond words to explore this place.

That part is done, I did a bit of paperwork and arranged to pay her Thursday (tomorrow).

What’s new? In the course of the remaining of my night. Mr MB and I spoke of it and he thinks it’s still a good idea for me to explore other places to study this field. I know Le Cordon Bleu is the big name and would probably look glamorous on my resume.

But considering price and driving distance. The schedule they offer and the loss of work.

Is it wise to consider other, cheaper, closer places to study culinary arts?

Am I wasting my time?

–Hang in there