Too much hope

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I’m lost without you, have no idea where you’ve gone. Life is unfair that you’re gone.  It’s not the same with you not here!

So apparently my insurance company offers a prenatal support thing or something…  I didn’t really pay the best of attentions..  No big surprise there.

Yesterday she asked me if I’d been experiencing any sadness or depression or things along those lines. Being the terrible liar that I am, I said yes, on an unrelated note,  I do have sadness and depression. She said they would have someone in that division call me.

I perked up a little, could it be that something could fall into place for me right now?  That perhaps I won’t have to do all of the searching and looking and hoping for the right therapist to come along. If there is such a thing?

I’m desperately seeking a therapist, never have I done this in my lifetime.

I’m such a mess right now and though I know it’s due to the loss of Mama MB but I’m also wondering if the  prego hormones have anything to do with this also..

As I’ve said before, and I mean it still.  I want to get away from this place, get away from this family of mine. From these friends of mine.

If I still feel this way next year, it could be a good excuse to do just that. Though I fear there may harder than I ever imagined.. Here’s to hoping I’m out of this slump come next year.

Is it too much to hope?

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Needing to get away

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So I’m the oldest of two children born to Mama and Papa MB and for some reason, as I got older. The more and more I felt like I was the least favorite of us two.

Perhaps favorite is the wrong word to use.

Mama and Papa MB watched me early on grow to be independent and to take care of myself.

I was only given one car and after that I was to pay for my own way. When given my first car it was necessary for me to get a job. Though they did pay my insurance and also financing of said vehicle.

But as I got older and older. Now I feel like they do more for my sister than they ever did me.  Sometimes I feel like they are closer to her than they are me.

Maybe that’s my fault, for being the way I am.

I didn’t stay home with the parents.

I moved away

I became independent.  My sister didn’t.

I guess.

I don’t know.

I just feel now, at this age.

With my Mama MB gone from this place.

I feel like I don’t want to be around anymore.

I want to go somewhere.

I want to get away!

Grudges

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I can’t seem to shake this grudge I’m holding on to.

I assume it’s easy in rough times like these.

When you’re in a selfish state of mind and someone hurt your core.

It’s easy for me to hurt,

It’s easy for me to dislike.

Because I am hurt, I am not liking.

I’m wishing that I could shake the grudge, because I’m suppose to care for this person.  If only a little bit.

 

-Hang in there!