Break down….

Forgive me again for going off on the depressing stuff… But I must get it off my chest before bed. I don’t want to carry this into my dreams.

Went to drop off some medicines for Mama MB and carrots for the guinea pig. Mama MB awoke on the couch.  Guess she’s been there all day. That’s the same spot she was sitting this morning.

She’s in so much pain.  Papa MB says the jackass Dr that is supposed to administer the radiation for her adrenal gland and back is out-of-town ..  OUT OF FUCKING TOWN!!!?:!??!

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!  MAMA MB IS TO SIT HOME AND SUFFER AS YOU RUN OFF FOR SEMINARS INSTEAD OF DOING YOUR FUCKING JOB.

I’m so mad!

I’m mad at the Dr. I’m mad at her Dr for giving up on her. I’m mad at her cancer. I’m mad at science for not having a cure or a medicine that will work for her. I’m mad at God(s) for letting her get to this point?

They’re just going to sit around and let Mama MB die.

Don’t judge me, don’t dare preach to me. I’m mad at the world because it’s my Mama MB and I’m scared she’s going to die.   Sit and watch your Mama die or get sicker and sicker. Feel more and more helpless with this. Listen to her name off all of her family members instead of calling you your own name!  Listen to her threaten your father and tell him he’s trying to kill her.

I cried tonight, I cry everyday.

I want her to get better. Shit just seems to get worse.

Papa MB and  I did talk and I hope we’re forced to push for care, hospice or hospitalization.  She won’t eat and drink.  What are our options?

This is hard for me.

I’m sorry you were all a witness to my break down.  But thank you for listening!

It’s not time!

 

It feels like I’m losing her.  That my only options now are to sit back and wait for it to happen.  She’s stopped eating and drinking. Only taking in little to no food or water each day.  No one can convince her otherwise.  ” I’ll eat when I’m ready”

I fear she’s going to die.

Or that she will be put into the hospital and from there it’s a toss up.  Our hospitals sure have a way of letting sick people die when they’re admitted. Perhaps it’s just the nature of the beast? Perhaps they’re just destined to be….dead?

I’m sorry I only post these posts of depression lately. I’m in a hard point of my life… I’m terrified.

I love her so much, she is my mother.  I’d take it all away for her if I could.  My faith (or lack there of) is being tested. I”m furious with the God(s), with science, with medicine.  We came into this hopeful, this wouldn’t take her down.

She’s been through so much .. She’s so strong, she’s a fighter.

Are we all allowed a time to just give up and let go?

Should I accept this?  If so, how does one accept this?  It’s not time. It’s not her time.

-Hang in there!

 

It feels like I’m losing her.  That my only options now are to sit back and wait for it to happen.  She’s stopped eating and drinking. Only taking in little to no food or water each day.  No one can convince her otherwise.  ” I’ll eat when I’m ready”

I fear she’s going to die.

Or that she will be put into the hospital and from there it’s a toss up.  Our hospitals sure have a way of letting sick people die when they’re admitted. Perhaps it’s just the nature of the beast? Perhaps they’re just destined to be….dead?

I’m sorry I only post these posts of depression lately. I’m in a hard point of my life… I’m terrified.

I love her so much, she is my mother.  I’d take it all away for her if I could.  My faith (or lack there of) is being tested. I”m furious with the God(s), with science, with medicine.  We came into this hopeful, this wouldn’t take her down.

She’s been through so much .. She’s so strong, she’s a fighter.

Are we all allowed a time to just give up and let go?

Should I accept this?  If so, how does one accept this?  It’s not time. It’s not her time.

-Hang in there!

Can we hate the haters?

 

 

I’m still a mixed up basket case of  mess.  But I’m hoping and praying that the new pain medication and medications will get Mama MB back to a less painful state.

She said to me “it’s everywhere”.  I know what this means, from nameless sources. But I’m not suppose to know.  I can’t say anything. I don’t want to say anything.

Science or God needs to step in and control this cancer for us. It’s not fair for God to want my Mama MB. I want to keep her here with me, pain free, like new. Or at least what she was before the cancer.

Reading all these I hate Komen messages.  I’m such a mess with cancer.

Is it wrong to hope?  Ever?  Thanks Komen haters for making me think there is no hope left.

-Hang in there?

Stop the constant updates!

 

 

5:oo am – woke up

6:50am- got up

7:00am – attempted to wake Pokey up

7:15am – attempting to race for the exit

7:20am – on the road to drop Pokey off with Granny MB for the day

7:45am- hit the Mc(nasty)Donald’s for breakfast foods

8:00am- back on the road from dropping Pokey

8:30am- arrived at work

working

working

working

it’s 12:25 pm and I’m thinking about what I want for lunch, so hawngry!

 

Isn’t it annoying to constantly be updated about what someone is doing in their daily facebooking life. Here’s a message, get a real life. One that isn’t constantly updating with their friends and co workers what’s going on..

Maybe some of us could really care less.

You’d think I’d delete the asshats. Can’t bring myself,  it’s hiding time.. Again!

How are you?

-Hang in there!

 

In need of fur

 

 

Good Monday?

It’s going…Ok… around here!  The weather is crappy and it’s cooling down, A LOT.  I’m not a big fan of cool/cold/winter/springy weather. I guess because I wasn’t blessed like a monkey to be covered in fur. I’m furless and there just aren’t enough layers of clothing and jackets to warm my bones. Odd.

So I went in today and picked up a prescription for Mama MB’s pain medicine.  Depressed feelings hit me pretty hard today.

Still blaming the hormones, I’m usually not so depressed. But it’s bothering me a lot lately.

 

Artsy?

 

I’ve been really interested in artwork to cover my walls in my new office.  We’ve recently purchased our first place and my  office is a MESS.

A few Dingleberries have said they will send me something for my walls. Preferably their own works!   Anyone else?

Now one of my blogger friends is taking doodles for her new thing…. So… My artwork looks sooo much better in my head.

Why is that?

No one yelled at or choked as of  yet today.

– Hang  in there!

See Monkey Run

 

 

Lady at work here raised her voice to me today.  I could have ripped her head off.

I could have cried, right there, out loud.

I did none of the above, I walked away.

Things are calmer now.

I will blame the hormones.  This place and any place better pray that I make it through these hormones.

Could see MB on the next Cops series!