If only,

I think it’s been easier for me to look away, to tell myself that everything will be OK. To hope I guess is the word I’m searching for.  But I feel the sudden sadness that maybe hope just isn’t going to cut  it.

Those people I love, the ones who are my family. Constantly reminding me of the grave situation.  I feel a little sad today with all the overwhelming realities.

The realities that I think I find myself tucking away with hopes that I won’t have to face them.

Reality is, we’re all going to die. The illusion that I’ve been seeing in the last few years is simply that. The realization and accepting of this was brutally challenging for me in days past.  I don’t think I’m ever going to be prepared for the loss of the ones who I love.

But I think reality is, they were born to die.  We all are, it’s just a matter of time before life ends for each of us.

Why do I struggle with that fact? Why can’t I understand it? That life ends for all people; sometimes at too young of an age.  It’s too hard to think about most days.

Why must we come to accept these things? Why must we come to understand these things at such a young age?

If only I’d known, if only I’d remembered. Pushed and pushed and done things differently..

If only..

It won’t fix anything. Things are what they are and well… We must just accept those things. Right?

Hang in there.

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3 responses

  1. You can’t ‘what if” yourself to death. You’re right, we will all die one day, but attitude has a lot to do with that and to be honest, in my opinion, only God knows when our time will come. When I first found out I had cancer, I totally freaked out, but now have many friends and we all talk to each other comparing meds., problems, insurance companies etc. and that helps. That fear (for me) has decreased over time… That’s not to say I still don’t worry every time I have to get a blood work up done, but I have so many friends who are any where from 2 to 25 years in remission. When I took my mother to the Dr. 3 months after I found out I had cancer, the Dr. told her she probably only had a year an a half left…. well, # 1, they aren’t suppose to tell you stuff like that, but she is still here and it’s over a year past his deadline. Only God knows, I don’t know the who or the type of cancer here, but fighting & good attitude is key. You just have to make a new normal.

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